Home with a Heavy Heart

Yesterday, I reluctantly packed my suitcase and returned home from a 5 day visit with my Grandma (GG Del). As I have posted before, she was recently diagnosed with both bone and liver cancer. During my visit, she went from not so good to worse. I watched her physically and mentally change every single day I was there.
I honestly believe that nothing can prepare you for caring for a loved one that is in so much pain. It makes you want to rip your hair right out of your head as you can do nothing but watch them in pain. The kind of pain that it hurts so bad you can't breath, talk, or even focus. All Grandma could do was just sit and shake. This would happen on and off all day and night long. Poor thing. I bottled up all my emotions when I was there and just went into care mode. However, once I sat down on the airplane yesterday I started to unbottle all those emotions. I swallowed hard the whole way home as I did not want to start on the airplane or at the airport. I made it until I saw the van and Jon driving it (w/out the kids thanks goodness) and then I just lost it. I dropped my bags and lost all control. Jon just stood there and held me until I had enough sense to get in the van. This whole process hurts. My heart is heavy and my eyes are red. I was no good yesterday as I spent most of the day just laying around. Someone told me that the kids would be good medicine for my heart and that person was right. Yesterday, when I got home, Ella gave me so many bear hugs over and over again. Then she told me she had a surprise for me since I was such a good mommy. She then marched upstairs and brought down one of her stuffed animals. She told me that bears name was "Rock star" and that I got to keep her. Today as I was ready to leave for work she told me to hang on as she had another surprise for me. She marched off with her hands on her hips and then when she came back she out stretched her arms and said that she had lots of bear hugs just for me. So sweet.
Also today, as I was leaving for work, Ella asked me where I was going. After I told her that I was going to work, she then asked when we could have a day where I did not have to go anywhere. KJ told me today "You should try and be happy today mommy"! These kids can sense everything that is going on. Today when Aimee got up she crawled right up into my lap and snuggled with me for about 5 minutes. I think I was missed.
It is hard being here away from my Grandma but it is also hard being there. It is just hard being when someone you love has to go through something like this. Everyone goes through it, it is just my turn right now. GG Del landed in the hospital today so I hope that they can get her pain under control and help her to feel as good as she can right now. I just pray for peace for all of us.